The Fox and the Horse

A peasant had a faithful horse which had grown old and could do no more work, so his master no longer wanted to give him anything to eat and said, "I can certainly make no more use of you, but still I mean well by you, and if you prove yourself still strong enough to bring me a lion here, I will maintain you. But for now get out of my stable." And with that he chased him into the open field.

The horse was sad, and went to the forest to seek a little protection there from the weather. There the fox met him and said, "Why do you hang your head so, and go about all alone?"

"Alas," replied the horse, "greed and loyalty do not dwell together in one house. My master has forgotten what services I have performed for him for so many years, and because I can no longer plow well, he will give me no more food, and has driven me out."

"Without giving you a chance?" asked the fox.

"The chance was a bad one. He said, if I were still strong enough to bring him a lion, he would keep me, but he well knows that I cannot do that."

The fox said, "I will help you. Just lie down, stretch out as if you were dead, and do not stir."

The horse did what the fox asked, and then the fox went to the lion, who had his den not far off, and said, "A dead horse is lying out there. Just come with me, and you can have a rich meal."

The lion went with him, and when they were both standing by the horse the fox said, "After all, it is not very comfortable for you here - I tell you what -I will fasten it to you by the tail, and then you can drag it into your cave and eat it in peace."

This advice pleased the lion. He positioned himself, and in order that the fox might tie the horse fast to him, he kept completely quiet. But the fox tied the lion's legs together with the horse's tail, and twisted and fastened everything so well and so strongly that no amount of strength could pull it loose. When he had finished his work, he tapped the horse on the shoulder and said, "Pull, white horse, pull!"

Then up sprang the horse at once, and pulled the lion away with him. The lion began to roar so that all the birds in the forest flew up in terror, but the horse let him roar, and drew him and dragged him across the field to his master's door. When the master saw the lion, he was of a better mind, and said to the horse, "You shall stay with me and fare well." And he gave him plenty to eat until he died.

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The Real Meaning of Peace

There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all the pictures. But there were only two he really liked, and he had to choose between them. One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all.

But when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest ― in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The king chose the second picture. Do you know why?

"Because," explained the king, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."

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Why Failure Can Be Your Friend

I believe it is important to separate good failures from bad failures. Good failures happen when, even though you made the correct decision, you still lost. Bad failures happen because you made bad decisions, or worse, didn't make a decision at all. Although the two feel the same, they have a completely different long-term impact.

I'm a novice poker player. One of the first things I learned was that there were good wins and bad wins. Good wins were because you had a sound strategy of betting where the odds were in your favor. Bad wins happened when you just got lucky. Going all-in on a 2-7 off-suit might win the hand. But it doesn't mean you're a good poker player.

Good Failures

Mentally separating good failures from bad failures takes work. Poker is a simple game where the laws of probability are cleanly defined. Real life is a lot messier. It takes more effort to decide which failures were because of a bad decision and which were just the unintended side-effects of the best choice available.

Although it can be difficult to separate the two, there are benefits to making two piles instead of just one. By separating the two types of failures, it is easier to persevere through good failures. It may hurt to have your Business proposal shut down for the fifteenth time, but it isn't necessarily a bad failure.

By separating the two, you can also avoid more bad failures. If you fail because of laziness, indecision or poor planning, you can quickly correct those in the future. Knowing the difference between good and bad failures keeps you from repeating stupid mistakes.

Types of Good Failures

I've found that there are several categories of good failures. These are the kinds of failures you might actually seek out. Since they come from good, not bad, decisions, they are the best way to fail.

1. High Upside, Low Downside

There are many areas of life where the upside is far greater than the downside. When I write an article, it takes about 90 minutes of work. If nobody comments or responds to that post, then I've just wasted 90 minutes.

However, if the article becomes popular, it can bring in thousands of visitors to my website. Those thousands of visitors translate into new readers who can get value from the website. In addition, the extra traffic often results in a higher monthly income for me.

Writing blog entries is an example where failure is cheap and winning can be huge. I'd gladly take a dozen or two dozen failures for a big hit. A post that doesn't get attention is a good failure.

2. Breaking Through Your Limits

The only way you can know your limits are to go past them. Occasionally I've committed myself to more work than I can handle. The result is stress and, in extreme cases, complete burnout. Doing more than you can handle on a regular basis is a recipe for a nervous breakdown.

However, if you don't test those limits and occasionally go past them, you can never improve. You'll always go slightly below your capacity, never reaching your possible potential. I don't enjoy an exhausting schedule, but occasionally facing one ensures my productivity muscles stay strong.

3. Embarrassment and Smart Risk-Taking

There are some situations where failures and successes can't be separated. There is no action that will guarantee you only get success. In these cases, it can be useful to ignore the losses since the wins will make up for it.

Public Speaking is a great example. Any chance you get to speak in public runs you the risk of embarrassment. You might say something stupid. The audience might not like your speech. But if you don't face those failures, it's impossible to deliver a fantastic speech.

4. Staying Inside Your Comfort Zone

The only way to have a bad failure is to stay put. If you are constantly experimenting and pushing beyond your daily routine, any result is a good result. Avoiding the things that scare you doesn't make you safe, it makes you weaker.

Over a year ago I took dance classes. For a self-proclaimed geek, this was definitely a step outside my comfort zone. I loved the class. Even though it was outside of my comfort zone, I had a great time and learned something valuable. This wasn't a failure, but it just as easily could have been. It's better to discourage laziness than occasionally stumbling.

5. Taking on Too Big a Challenge

More than a few times I've set goals that were nearly impossible to accomplish. I didn't have enough time to reach the deadline and I had no idea what I was doing. Although setting extremely difficult challenges results in a lot of failures, it keeps you sharp.

The ideal challenge level is where success is possible, but only if you work incredibly hard. Unfortunately, finding this sweet spot means you'll end up making some goals too hard and others too easy. If you never fail at a big challenge it probably means most of your goals have been set too easy.

Just as there are good and bad failures, there are good and bad wins. I'd rather have a good failure than a bad win. A bad win might feel nice in the short term, but it is damaging over the big picture.

Do you have a personal example of a good failure? Please share it in the comments below.

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Smile

When you smile, I smile, that's the deal.

 

I will not walk past you and not look you in the eyes and not acknowledge you.

 

Instead we will pass each other and say hello.

 

Not with our words, for they are not the same; but with our faces.

 

I meet you and I see there is good in your eyes, there's passion in your heart and there's a friendly hello in your smile.

 

And for the first time we can relate and appreciate each other.

 

That's all it takes, that's where it starts.

 

Because I know that you will smile and I will smile and the rest is easy.

 

微笑

 

当你微笑，我也微笑，我们一言为定。

 

我不会从你身边走过并且不看着你的双眼，不会给你任何回应。

 

相反，我们互相走过时会对对方说："你好"。

 

不是我们的语言，因为它们是不一样的；而是用我们的脸。

 

我遇到你，我从你的眼睛中看到美好，你心中拥有热情，还有从你的笑容中听到你说"你好"。

 

这是我们第一次建立关系，第一次相互欣赏。

 

就是这么简单，一切从这一刻开始。

 

因为我知道你会微笑，我会微笑，其余一切都会很容易。

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Hints for Women to Revive Romance

1. "Kidnap" him for a weekend escape to a quaint bed and breakfast. Secretively pack, and make all of the arrangements, including financial.

2. When he is performing a thoughtful gesture on your behalf, don't complain about the quality of his actions. Simply express your appreciation (then fix it later!).

3. Serve him breakfast in bed (without causing food poisoning).

4. Give him a massage or arrange for him to visit to a professional masseuse.

5. Throw him a surprise party for no particular reason. Invite people he enjoys.

6. Take him out for a romantic dinner for two. Bring two gifts. One for him. One he (indirectly) bought for you! He'll be pleased he didn't mess yours up this time!

7. There is a law of nature that plucks a man's change from his pocket without his knowledge. Over time, collect these "donations," wrap them, roll them, and present the cash to him for a purchase that he didn't believe he had the finances to make.

8. Place hidden notes (or jokes) in his lunch, briefcase, grooming area, underwear or sock drawer which express how much you love him.

9. Recreate your first date ever. Cover as many of the intricate details as possible.

10. Arrange for him to take a private lesson in his favorite sport or hobby.

11. Buy him a sleeve of exploding golf balls. You might not be present at the precise moment they're enjoyed, but I guarantee he'll express his thanks later.

12. Suggest a role reversal day. You perform all of his chores and vice versa. I'm not sure that he'll find this romantic, but he will never again complain about his responsibilities.

13. Finally, let him complete a sentence. He'll appreciate the change of pace.

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7 Steps to Positive Self Talk

Most of us are in constant mental chatter. We talk to ourselves all day long and, unfortunately, this self talk is frequently negative. Often it is tainted with guilt about our past or anxiety about our future. This negativity can destroy any seed of hope that we may otherwise have in striving for our dreams.

Our actions are inspired by our thoughts. If we can change the way we think, we can begin to change the actions we take. It is human nature to seek personal growth; whether financially, emotionally, physically or spiritually. Practicing positive self talk can help us set in motion actions that will bring us greater rewards.

The following are seven steps to positive self talk. By following these steps you will begin to rid your inner conversations of negativity and instead have empowering thoughts.

1. Eliminate Internal Negative Chatter

The first step is one of awareness. It will be hard to make a change to positive thinking without being acutely intimate with the thoughts that run through your mind. Recently, I was amazed to discover deep buried emotions from negative thoughts that I had for fewer than 10 minutes. Without awareness, I would have carried the hurt and anger inside. Awareness helped me to bring them out to the open for me to deal with.

Undoubtedly it will not be easy to make a switch if you have a long history or negative self talk. Your talk became negative over the years due to various factors. For instance, if your first grade teacher repeatedly told you that you were "stupid", you might believe it to be truly the case. You would find that your inner chatter would often be filled with talk of "I am so slow" and "it is so hard to learn". If you constantly tell yourself such negative stories, your actions are going to reflect your low self esteem. It will be difficult to get very far if you are always putting yourself down.

A common negative talk involves telling yourself "I can't". When you say to yourself "I can't" or "it is too difficult", you are creating a resistance. Having such a mental block will prevent you from achieving a task you could otherwise succeed at.

Anytime you catch yourself saying "I can'...", turn around and challenge your own claim with, "Why can't I?" Research shows that most geniuses became the people they are also because of the hard work they put in. So if you would like to be successful, you need to start saying "I can" a lot more.

A great method that I have also found useful is to say "Cancel Cancel" each time I find myself saying something negative, whether in the mind or verbally. The method works if you sincerely have the intent of becoming a positive thinker.

2. Positive Affirmations

Affirmations are positive statements of a desired outcome or goal. They are usually short, believable and focused. By repeating them over and over again, you build inroads into your subconscious mind, opening up the possibility of a new state of thoughts.

An important step when repeating affirmations is that you need to read your affirmations aloud with feeling. The mere reading of the words bears no consequence unless you put some emotions behind them. Of significant fact is that your subconscious mind takes any orders given in complete faith and after repeated self talk. So the daily practice of repeating affirmations is important.

Initially you may be skepticism toward the statement of your positive affirmation. However, if you follow this simple set of instructions your skepticism will soon give way to a new set of beliefs and then crystallized into absolute faith.

3. Positive Scripts

One thing that you may observe is on how easy it is for your mind to build negative thought upon negative thought. The chatter not only does not stop but it spins a drama that traps and limits you.

From now on, regularly do this exercise instead. Spin an uplifting story that runs like a movie script. Some visualization will be helpful. You build on a story with a positive outline. The longer you can tell this story to yourself the better. It is also best if you can make this story one about having all your goals achieved. When you do this, you start to internalize your goals and dreams, as if they are something that you have already achieved.

4. Replace Negative Influences with positive Ones

It is important that you identify external negative factors in your life which may be holding your thoughts hostage. For instance, your mental state can become toxic by being around friends who are negative. If you are not vigilant enough, you will start to adopt their thoughts as your own. Hence, be alert to what your negative influences are. If they come from certain friends, limit your exposure to them as much as you can. Refrain from discussing your plans with people who will be unsupportive of your dreams and goals.

Instead surround yourself with thoughts and actions from people who will empower you.

From being uninspired and de-motivated, you will begin to feel uplifted and driven to greater self growth. The positive energy that they vibrate will start affecting the self talk that you engage in as well.

5. Present Tense Messages

You may find yourself daunted by the many things you need to do in order to reach your goals. It just seems overwhelming to become the success that you secretly desire for. Your mind gets caught up in an endless stream of worry.

What may be helpful is to concentrate on steps you can take in the present. If you find yourself becoming stuck, stop and say, "What can I do right now?" Change your internal talk from a future anxiety ridden one to one that is about the more manageable present. You cannot control what will happen in the future but you can take the necessary steps now that will build a better tomorrow. Taking the necessary steps require you to focus your thoughts and inner talk on Now.

6. Confront Fears

Fear is often what holds you back from your success. You are scared of taking chances because you fear losing the security that you enjoy now. You try to convince yourself that you are happy in your current state when in fact, you are not. Your self talk may sound positive in your attempt to lie to yourself. But somehow, there is an inner knowing that you are short changing yourself.

Ask yourself what you are afraid of. What can be the worst that can happen? Take a step-by-step approach in breaking down your fears and see if there is any way round to looking at things more positively. When you confront your fears, you will often realize that the worst case scenario is not as bad as you think. In fact, the benefits of change are worth the risk. Your inner talk begins to change at this point.

7. Focus on Enjoyable Moments

It is much easier to have a positive attitude if you focus on the enjoyable moments in life rather than the difficult ones. While there will inevitably be challenges, you need to remember that life consists of ups and downs and the good times are forged through the bad.

So choose to fill your mind with positive images and thoughts. Make it a conscious habit. Simply bring your mind back every time it goes astray in its thoughts. For a start, if you can be grateful for what you have presently, your self talk will also change to be in alignment with one of joy. A state of gratitude does wonders to your psyche.

Conclusion

Replacing self talk from a negative to a more positive one is not going to happen overnight. If your mind has ingrained habits of thinking negatively, it will take some work and time. However, if you find yourself often struggling, unable to achieve your goals and talking yourself down, then you should grit your teeth and commit to the process of change.

By following the above tips to positive self talk, you will experience an improvement in the quality of your life. The rewards are plentiful with greater Happiness, peace and joy. Best of all, you feel empowered. With the change in energy, you are more likely to reach your highest potential and achieve success.

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Twelve Keys for Building Trust

The foundation of any relationship, whether it be with a Business associate, spouse, parent, client or, friend, is trust. Trust is not something that can be built with quick fix techniques. Rather, it is something that is cultivated through consistent habits in your interactions. The following are twelve patterns of behavior that increase trust in your relationships.

1. Be transparent

Do not try to hide things from others. Refuse to have any hidden agendas. You might think you can pull a fast one on someone else. You can't. Most people have good intuition and even though they may not be able to consciously determine that you are hiding something, they very likely will have an uneasy feeling around you. If they don`t feel comfortable around you, they won't be able to trust you.

Another sinister aspect of having hidden agenda is that it erodes your ability to trust others. You will assume that if you aren't fully forthcoming, other people aren't either. When you are trustworthy, however, you will see others as more trustworthy too.

2. Be sincere

This is similar to the previous point. Only say what you mean. Be impeccably honest with your words. Refuse to try and craft your words to manipulate others. Don`t give fake compliments, patronize others or say something just because you think you are supposed to. Again, people have good BS detectors. When others know that you only speak genuinely, it increases their capacity to trust you. Everyone loves authenticity.

3. Focus on adding value

In any relationship, always have the best interest of others at heart. Work hard to give as much or more than you get. When you consistently add value to someone`s life, they not only feel like you are on their side, they also have the urge to reciprocate. In Business relationships, this means always under-promise and over-deliver. In personal relationships, focusing on meeting the needs of the other person instead of taking in order to get your own needs met.

4. Be present

The last thing anyone wants is to have a conversation with someone who isn't there. Instead of retreating into your head, focus on listening to others. Whenever you are with someone, make them your primary focus. Don't think about work while you are at Home talking to your spouse. Don't think about life at Home when you are with a client. When it comes to relationships, presence means quality time and quality time builds trust.

5. Always treat people with respect

Ever since we were little kids, we have been taught to be respectful. However, when our standards get violated or there is no one around to see (read: we don`t think there will be any consequences), we can often engage in petty behavior. This encompasses a wide range of actions from personal attacks during arguments to gossiping behind someone's back.

Always remember that another person's inherent worth as a human being entitles them to be treated with dignity. When people know that you will always treat with them respect, it is very natural for trust to flourish.

6. Take responsibility

When you mess up, which you invariably will, be quick to clean it up. Skip the excuses and just take responsibility. Justifying and making excuses may help you in the short term but in the long run, it does nothing for your character or the level of trust you are given. Accountability is a rare trait these days with most people wanting to avoid negative consequences at all costs. Dare to be different and you will win the trust of others.

7. Focus on feedback

Unless you`re a mind reader, the only way you can know how well a relationship is going is by getting feedback from the other person. Be not only willing to accept feedback � actively seek it out. Many people are afraid to give you feedback, especially if its negative, out of fear that they will offend. Ask with sincerity and respond respectfully and others will be far more willing. Take both the positive and negative into account along with your own judgment and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

8. Take criticism well

Learn to handle criticism with grace. Instead of getting defensive, consider the possibility that what the other person is saying might be true. Closing yourself off from criticism has the effect of closing off all communication.

In some cases, the criticism may indeed be inaccurate. In these instances, you have the opportunity to show empathy. Try to understand the problem from the other person's point of view. Perhaps the criticism is just a thinly veiled attack that stems from a deeper upset they may have with you. In these cases, your willingness to dig deeper without getting defensive will certainly enhance the trust in the relationship.

9. Set boundaries

Be clear about how you expect people to behave around you. Again, do this in a mature manner: be sincere and respectful. When you have clear standards, people know exactly how to behave around you and that gives them certainty. The strength that you communicate by setting boundaries builds trust � when someone knows that they can`t take advantage you that alleviates the fear that someone else will.

10. Be a class act

Hold yourself to a higher a standard. Be quick to apologize when you know you are wrong. Only speak well of others, even those who don`t speak well of you.

Why should you do this? First, imagine what it would do to your sense of self to know that other people only have good experiences with you. Second, imagine how much trust such behaviour engenders in others. Finally, imagine the example you set for others � the conduct of others will improve just by being around you consistently.

11. Your word is your bond

Keep all the promises you make and ensure that you make promises only sparingly. Make your word stronger than any written contract. Refuse to make empty promises and manipulate people.

When a promise you have made is no longer beneficial to you, instead of deciding to not follow through, attempt to renegotiate the deal. When you renegotiate the agreement, ensure that the new commitment provides even more value to the other person.

12. Be consistent

Above all, be consistent in your behavior. Don't engage in the behavior once in a while when it seems convenient. Your consistency is the key to your trustworthiness. Small actions add up and a track record of high character is invaluable in any relationship. Become intensely principle-centered and trust will follow easily and consistently.

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7 Steps Toward Love

Is your life ruled by love or by fear? Love and fear are opposite emotional attitudes that shape our life in very different ways. The psychoanalyst John McMurray describes the difference like this:

"The fear-determined have no sun in themselves and go about putting out the sun in other people. The love-determined have life in them, abundant life. They are the people who are really alive, of whom it can be said that they possess eternal life as a well within them perpetually."

Life is a lot more beautiful and vivid if it is determined by love and not by fear. I'm sure you can imagine that someone determined completely by love would be a kind of saint. In contrast, most of us ordinary human beings are determined by both forces, love and fear. However, in my experience, even a tiny shift towards love―and away from fear―can bring a lot more Happiness.

Here are 7 tips that you can move towards love and away from fear.

1. Cultivate gratitude

Gratitude makes us feel happier. If you remember to be grateful for the blessings of your life, you start to feel more connected to yourself and others. When you let go of niggles and embrace gratitude instead, love springs up.

2. Reality-test your fear

Sometimes fear can be like a cloud that keeps out the sunlight. Then everything feels huge and oppressive. A simple way to deal with fear is to test its reality. Write down three things that you are afraid of. Then look at each point and ask yourself, "Is this fear really grounded in reality?" I know that when I do this, I often find that my fears are unfounded. It's like living in a shadow-land, peering into the future and expecting bad things to happen.

3. Take action

Fear is often born out of inaction. For example, if you get a sense that your health is impaired, but you don't check it out with a doctor, you may start to imagine that you are heading for a major health crisis. (I could fill a whole notebook with illnesses I once thought I had - but never actually got!) Once you've been to a doctor and reviewed the problems, the steps towards renewed health may seem much more manageable.

Taking action is the best antidote to fear. Once you start to address the issues one by one, fears shrink and may even disappear.

4. Cultivate friendships

Good friends are important because they teach us to love. It's often much easier to love a good friend than it is to love and forgive our partner. Friends are lasting companions in life. It's good to talk with them when we feel afraid. They can give us a fresh perspective on what is troubling us.

5. Be generous

In the quote above, John McMurray points out that fear-determined people have no sun in themselves and "go about putting out the sun in other people." Fear makes us narrow-minded and we tend to put down others. Here is how I deal with that: when I notice I'm getting negative, I put a small pebble into one of my pockets. Each time I catch myself using a put-down, I quietly shift the pebble into the other pocket and say to myself kindly, "Well, maybe I can say that differently next time."

6. Practise kindness

Kindness is 'love-in-action'. It's good to make a habit of it. The trick is to notice what people need. Here is an example: yesterday I was talking to a stall-holder at a farmers' market who fashions wooden spoons. He saw that I was carrying a bag of luscious, fresh corncobs. He said, "Oh, they look nice!" Then he sighed, "Oh well, by the time I've finished selling at my stand they'll have all gone." I offered to get some for him. It was a small action but it made us both feel good. Try and spot one occasion each day when you can be of help.

7. Open your awareness

Fear tends to make us focus inwards. A way out of is to do the opposite and open your awareness to include everything around you. For example, if you notice anxious thoughts, open you mind and listen to sounds around you. Maybe you can hear birdsong, or traffic noise, or children playing. This has an instant calming effect and fear wanes.

If you follow these 7 tips, you'll move towards more love and less fear in your life. Soon you will notice an upsurge of Happiness and contentment, instead of fear and anxiety.

What is your experience of living with love or with fear? Maybe you could share your special way of inviting love into your life and saying "good-bye" to fear?

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Seven Useful Lessons You Can Learn from a Bad Boss

Macho, insensitive bosses share certain characteristics. Their behavior is arrogant, quick-tempered and controlling. Their motives are typically selfish and manipulative. They show little concern for others and few signs of understanding why others don't trust them. Most of all, they are quite unaware of their failings and the impact they have on their subordinates. No only do they see no need to change, they often make their high-handed behavior a source of pride.

That's why you can trust them to be some of your best teachers about productivity and success.

Before you decide that I've lost my mind, I'll explain.

Most human beings are amazingly consistent in the way they behave. That's why we can say of some action, "That isn't like you," or "It's so out of character." Without that consistency, such a remark would be pointless. And amongst the most consistent groups of all are those who spend least time in any kind of introspection: the extreme extroverts, the loud, slap-you-on-the-back hearty types, the arrogant, the pompous, the selfish and the self-centered ― the people who, if they become bosses, are most likely to prove to be bad ones.

Powerful lessons from powerful (and hopelessly unaware) people

Bad bosses can become useful teachers precisely because their behavior tends to be so consistently bad. You can be fairly sure of their motives and intentions, which allows you to compare cause (what they did and probably why they did it) with effect (how it turned out).

The pompous boss, convinced of her superiority and the rightness of whatever she does; the lazy boss, sure that status confers the right to live off other people's efforts; the rigid, controlling boss, firm in his belief that all subordinates are incompetent without his oversight; all of these (and many more) hold to their actions so tenaciously ― and are so blind to what they are doing ― that they will provide some of the best lessons in what not to do that you will ever be offered.

Here are seven of the lessons you might come across, beginning with productivity:

See how much effort bad bosses have to use to make things happen their way; effort that would be unnecessary if they behaved better ― all that time spent micro-managing and checking; all the ranting and raving to reduce others to obedience; all the lies and stratagems needed to manipulate others instead of asking them openly.

See how others react to them; how people become adept at sabotaging their efforts and undermining their success. Even when they dare not oppose the boss openly, subordinates will show great ingenuity in finding other ways to frustrate them.

Look at the effect bad bosses have on trust ― how this type of behavior ruins relationships with customers as well as employees. Once discovered, as it always is in the end, cynical manipulation renders future trust impossible too.

What about the impact on motivation? Consider how you feel if you find yourself going along with the boss's bad behavior. Do you feel motivated or depressed? Does it make you want to exert yourself or limit your output to no more than is needed to preserve your safety and career prospects?

Rigidity next. Most macho bosses see changing a poor decision as an unacceptable sign of weakness. How many times have you seen a bad leader produce disaster from what could have been a triumph, simply because he or she refused to admit to ― and change ― a bad decision?

Take some time to consider what survival in the lifestyle of a bad boss demands. Is that how you would be willing to live? Are the rewards they get worth what they have to do to get them?

Most important, observe the way bad bosses are regarded by those above them. Are they genuinely fooling the top dogs about their weaknesses? Or are those executives simply playing the same game ― but far better ― manipulating middle and junior managers to enhance their own positions, then throwing them to the wolves when they become too much of an embarrassment? I'm sure you can think of many more situations where a bad boss has taught you a valuable lesson. Observing and learning from others' mistakes is as important as learning from your own ― and a good deal less painful.

Besides, the macho tough guys can never admit to being wrong. They can't learn from their own mistakes. Since you can, it's an advantage you can use for all it's worth.

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Your Happiness, Your Responsibility

"You are the only one who can make you happy." We have all heard that so many times in our lives.

There are times it is a pretty tough pill to swallow. In reality, the people that surround you have a huge impact on your current mood. When your children are grumpy in the morning, you find a nice pile the dog left you over night, you hit the road and the traffic won't allow you your normal speed, then when you get to work and your co-worker called in sick... these are all things that might contribute to your overall Happiness of the day.

However, moods and temporary emotions are not the same as happiness. Happiness exists when you look at the overall picture of your life and you smile, that is happiness. You know those times when you can't wait for your children to go to bed, then later you check on the kids and you almost cry because they look exactly like angels... YOUR ANGELS, sleeping so sweetly and soundly. You can hardly remember a time of irritation with them. That is Happiness.

As life progresses and changes, we realize that who we are, (what makes us, us)... that is what we are responsible for. We know that immediate gratification or irritation only pacifies or deteriorates our emotional stimuli short term. Our global view of how we see ourselves determines our state of mind. Our state of mind determines our Happiness.

So, how do we take control of our emotions and find the path of Happiness? This seems to be the million dollar question. There are tons of books on or related to the subject. You could read and practice until you are completely confused. Or, we could spend the rest of our life introspectively evaluating what makes us happy. Which might take more time and energy and actually frustrate us more.

How about this? What if we looked at ourselves and decided what we liked and didn't like and set about making changes. It doesn't have to be major alterations. Maybe you are tired of your house but can't afford to move. Try painting the living room or buying flowers to set on the kitchen table. If you haven't had a vacation for awhile and just can't afford to take that cruise, go camping instead.

Maybe the issues are more personal or internal. Do you get mad too easily? Learn yoga or meditation. Are you having marital problems? Visit a counselor. Are the kids having discipline issues? Determine the major issues, establish guidelines on how you are going to correct the problem and stick to it.

You may be saying, 'Sure, that sounds so easy but...' Of course it sounds easy. Problems are always easier to talk about than to take the obvious actions to fix them. But, for the most part, things are as difficult or as easy as we determine them to be. Sometimes we just make things harder than necessary.

If your unHappiness stems from a situation beyond your control then find other ways to compensate. If, for example, money is so tight and no apparent windfall is coming your way any time soon, find inexpensive entertainment. Backyard ballgames, picnics in the park, movie night with popcorn and snacks in your bedroom are a few alternatives to an expensive night out. If the issues are more serious and you feel powerless, that is the time to seek professional help.

Otherwise, look in the mirror and be glad. If you don't like what you see, change it. Make the solution that simple!

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8 can't-miss ways to train your mind

Our brain is like muscles. The more you use and exercise it, the stronger it becomes. But, if you want to get maximum results, you should do more than just practice. What you need is deliberate practice. Deliberate practice is the kind of practice that stretches the boundaries of your capabilities. While in normal practice you just do the same activity again and again, in deliberate practice you push yourself to the limit. It's not easy, but deliberate practice makes the difference between an expert and everyone else.

The principle of deliberate practice can be applied in whatever field you want to excel in, but here I will focus on mind development. Below are 8 ways to challenge and exercise your mind. Choose some of them you haven't done and take your mind to the next level:

1. Read challenging articles

You can measure the difficulty level of an article by using Google Docs. Here is how to do it:

Create a new document

Paste the content of the article to the new document

Open the Tools -Word Count menu item. It will show you three metrics: Flesch Reading Ease, Flesch-Kindcaid Grade Level, and Automated Readability Index. The higher it is, the more difficult the article is.

Of course, it's not necessary to measure the difficulty level of every article you read. Simply take some samples from a blog or web site and you will have good idea about the difficulty level of the articles there.

2. Read challenging books

Classic books are good candidates since they are usually more difficult to read than new books. You could start with my list of classic books. You can also read the Pulitzer-winning books.

3. Read academic journals

One form of challenging reading we often overlook is academic journals. There are a lot of free journal articles you can read from Open science Directory. Some of the journal articles in Google Scholar are also free. Go there, pick a topic of your interest and read a journal article.

4. Play mind games

Choose a free mind game to play and you can have fun while exercising your mind. I started playing Sudoku last week and it was more difficult than I expected. But over time my mind got used to it and I can now solve the puzzles faster.

5. Aim to produce certain number of ideas everyday

The ideas can be in whatever fields you are working on. In my case, I try to write certain number of words everyday. Q10 - which I first learned from Dale - is an excellent tool you can use if you are a writer. One of its features is global target with which you can set the target number of words you want to write.

6. Brainstorm using thinking tools

There are many thinking tools you can use. The book Thinkertoys has many of them in one book and the web site Exploratree has a collection of tools you can use.

7. Do ultradian sprint

Doing ultradian sprint is a good way to train your focus and concentration. One trait of a well-trained brain is the ability to concentrate for long time and ultradian sprint can help you increase your ability to concentrate.

8. Set a project

Is there a project that has been in the back of your mind for some time? Perhaps you postpone it because you think it's too difficult. Well, that's a good candidate for deliberate practice. Often we are afraid of failure, but a mantra to quick progress is to make mistakes and make them quick. This way you will have a short feedback loop that will help you adjust your performance faster.

As I wrote in the beginning of this article, a key of deliberate practice is to push your current limit of ability. These challenges will stretch your boundary when you first do them, but after some time, you will get comfortable with it and it will no longer be deliberate practice. Here are some things you can do to keep making them deliberate practice:

1. For reading, try reading something in an unfamiliar field or read more challenging materials in the same field.

2. For playing mind games, increase the level of difficulty or try a new game you are not familiar with.

3. For producing certain number of ideas everyday, increase the target number or the quality of the ideas.

4. For doing ultradian sprint, increase the duration of the session.

5. For thinking challenge, try more difficult challenges.

6. For setting project, increase the scope of the project or do similar projects with stricter deadline.

Do you have tips or thoughts on mind exercise? I would love to hear them.

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The eyes of father

Bob Richards, the former pole-vault champion, shares a moving story about a skinny young boy who loved football with all his heart. Practice after practice, he eagerly gave everything he had. But being half the size of the other boys, he got absolutely nowhere. At all the games, this hopeful athlete sat on the bench and hardly ever played. This teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a very special relationship.

Even though the son was always on the bench, his father was always standing with cheering. He never missed a game. This young man was still the smallest of the class when he entered high school. But his father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn't want to. But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. He was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he'd get to play when he became a senior.

All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game but remained a bench-warmer all four years. His faithful father was always in the stands, always with words of encouragement for him.

When the young man went to college, he decided to try out for the football team as a "walk-on." Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did. The coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart and soul to every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed.

The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father. His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games. This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college, but he never got to play in a game.

It was the end of his last football season, and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big playoff game, the coach met him with a telegram. The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent.

Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, "My father died this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?" The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said, "Take the rest of the week off, son. And don't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday."

Saturday arrived, and the game was not going well. In the third quarter, when the team was ten points behind, a silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his football gear. As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were astounded to see their faithful teammate back so soon. "Coach, please let me play. I've just got to play today." said the young man. The coach pretended not to hear him. There was no way he wanted the worst player in this close playoff game.

But the young man persisted, and finally feeling sorry for the kid, the coach gave in. "All right," he said. "You can go in." Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never played before was doing everything right. The opposing team could not stop him. He ran, he passed, blocked like a star.

His team began to triumph. The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this kid intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown. The fans broke loose. His teammates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such cheering you never heard.

He looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Well, you knew my dad died, but did you know that my dad was blind?" The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, "Dad came to all my games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show him I could do it!"

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How to Turn Your Goals Into Habits

"First we make our habits, then our habits make us."- Charles C. Noble

It's such a simple concept, yet it's something we don't always do. It's not exceedingly difficult to do, and yet I think it's something that would make a world of difference in anyone's life.

Break your goals into habits, and focus on putting those habits into autopilot.

Last week when I wrote my Ultimate Guide to motivation, there were a number of questions about my belief that having One Goal to focus on is much more powerful than having many goals.

There were questions about my personal goals (such as running a marathon, eliminating debt, and so on) and how I was able to achieve them while working on different projects, and so forth. How can you have one goal that takes a long time, and still work on smaller projects at the same time?

These are excellent questions, and my answer takes a little explaining: I try to turn my goals into habits, and in doing so, I put my goals on autopilot. Turning a goal into a habit means really focusing on it, intensely, for at least a month, to the exclusion of all else. The more you can focus on it, the more it'll be on autopilot.

But once you put it on autopilot, once a habit is firmly established, you don't really have to focus on it much. You'll still do it, but because it's a habit, you only have to use minimal focus to maintain that habit. The goal becomes on autopilot, and you can focus on your next goal or project or habit.

My Marathon Example

Let's look at my marathon goal as an example. I was just starting out in running, and I had the brilliant idea to run a marathon within a year. (Btw, that's not the brightest idea ― you should run for a couple years before attempting marathon training, or it'll be much, much more difficult for you.) So that was my goal, and it was my main focus for awhile.

But in order to achieve that goal, I broke it down into two habits:

1. I had to make running a daily habit (while following a training plan I found online).

2. I had to report to people in order to have accountability ― I did this through family, friends and coworkers, through a blog, and through a column in my local newspaper every two weeks. With this accountability, there's no way I would stop running.

The daily running habit took about a month to form. I focused on this exclusively for about a month, and didn't have any other goals, projects or habits that were my main focuses. I did other work projects, but they kinda took a backburner to running.

The accountability habit took a couple months, mainly because I didn't focus on it too much while I was building the running habit. But it stuck, and for that first year of running, I would report to people I knew and blog about my running every day (this was in Blogger blog that has since been deleted), and I would write a column every two weeks for my local paper.

Once those two habits were firmly entrenched, my marathon goal was pretty much on autopilot. I could focus on my debt reduction goal (as an example) without having to worry too much about the marathon. I still had to do the work, of course, but it didn't require constant focus.

And eventually, I ran the marathon. I was able to achieve this because, all year long, I had the daily running habit and daily accountability habit. I put my marathon goal into autopilot, and that made it much easier ― instead of struggling with it daily for an entire year, I focused on it for one month (well, actually two) and was able to accomplish it while focusing on new habits and goals.

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How to Maintain Your Love Relationship

In order to experience everlasting love in life, you ought to first figure out what is missing in your life and then fill in the gaps. People fall in and out of love because they expect their lovers to be everything to them and do everything for them. They then become dissatisfied when the partner fails to meet all their requirements. If you have a dream of achieving everlasting love you better create your very own life crowned by hobbies, interests and beneficial passions. This makes you a full lover when you enjoy a complete, interesting life on your own. Create a world of your own. On your to-do-list add forgiveness. It is always healthy to forgive while you can, disappointments and sadness is a part of life.

Some people find it hard to forgive their partners especially if they happened to catch them cheating on them. Seek professional help from a marriage and relationship counselor. This is an important move towards search for everlasting love. Most buried resentments are the cause to failed marriages and broken relationships. At one time they resurface and blow the present things out of proportion. To find a smooth sail in your love life you have to learn to forgive and move on with a clean slate. Accept changes when they arrive instead of fighting the reality. In life change is inevitable. At one time you will be loved, dumped, married, you will have children, become sick and die. You should acknowledge the happenings in life and move through them strongly. No matter how settled you might be it is good to know that things can change in an instant.

Always accept the unexpected. Always find Happiness in what you have and be grateful to own what you have. It is a great secret to everlasting love. Despite the greatest fear and uncertainties of the unknown, when the inevitable things happen you will look back on the good old times and wish that you had been more grateful when things were more colorful. To enjoy your love life you should give thanks every moment and learn to appreciate the small problems we experience because unknown to us they can get worse and some time they probably will. To experience how it feels to have everlasting love, create time for each other as lovers. Many people who are unhappy keep on postponing time to be together. People get caught up in the many and demanding daily activities and forget to get time to live for today.

It happens to me and you. There will always be more laundry, more house chores and more errands to be carried out. It is a routine where we retire to bed when we are very exhausted late at night only to awake and follow the same routine again the next day. To live life to the fullest stop at some point and take time for yourself and for each other too.  Today might be the only gift you have in life so live like there is no tomorrow. The precious moments we reckon in life are achieved by creating time for them against the much pressure of work. Create such short and fleeting moments everyday to enjoy everlasting love.

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A Letter to My Son

Dear Seth,

You're only three years old, and at this point in your life you can't read, much less understand what I'm going to try to tell you in this letter. But I've been thinking a lot about the life that you have ahead of you, about my life so far as I reflect on what I've learned, and about my role as a dad in trying to prepare you for the trials that you will face in the coming years.

You won't be able to understand this letter today, but someday, when you're ready, I hope you will find some wisdom and value in what I share with you.

You are young, and life has yet to take its toll on you, to throw disappointments and heartaches and loneliness and struggles and pain into your path. You have not been worn down yet by long hours of thankless work, by the slings and arrows of everyday life.

For this, be thankful. You are at a wonderful stage of life. You have many wonderful stages of life still to come, but they are not without their costs and perils.

I hope to help you along your path by sharing some of the best of what I've learned. As with any advice, take it with a grain of salt. What works for me might not work for you.

Life Can Be Cruel

There will be people in your life who won't be very nice. They'll tease you because you're different, or for no good reason. They might try to bully you or hurt you.

There's not much you can do about these people except to learn to deal with them, and learn to choose friends who are kind to you, who actually care about you, who make you feel good about yourself. When you find friends like this, hold on to them, treasure them, spend time with them, be kind to them, love them.

There will be times when you are met with disappointment instead of success. Life won't always turn out the way you want. This is just another thing you'll have to learn to deal with. But instead of letting these things get you down, push on. Accept disappointment and learn to persevere, to pursue your dreams despite pitfalls. Learn to turn negatives into positives, and you'll do much better in life.

You will also face heartbreak and abandonment by those you love. I hope you don't have to face this too much, but it happens. Again, not much you can do but to heal, and to move on with your life. Let these pains become stepping stones to better things in life, and learn to use them to make you stronger.

But Be Open to life Anyway

Yes, you'll find cruelty and suffering in your journey through life … but don't let that close you to new things. Don't retreat from life, don't hide or wall yourself off. Be open to new things, new experiences, new people.

You might get your heart broken 10 times, but find the most wonderful woman the 11th time. If you shut yourself off from love, you'll miss out on that woman, and the happiest times of your life.

You might get teased and bullied and hurt by people you meet … and then after meeting dozens of jerks, find a true friend. If you close yourself off to new people, and don't open your heart to them, you'll avoid pain … but also lose out on meeting some incredible people, who will be there during the toughest times of your life and create some of the best times of your life.

You will fail many times but if you allow that to stop you from trying, you will miss out on the amazing feeling of success once you reach new heights with your accomplishments. Failure is a stepping stone to success.

Life Isn't a Competition

You will meet many people who will try to outdo you, in school, in college, at work. They'll try to have nicer cars, bigger houses, nicer clothes, cooler gadgets. To them, life is a competition ― they have to do better than their peers to be happy.

Here's a secret: Life isn't a competition. It's a journey. If you spend that journey always trying to impress others, to outdo others, you're wasting your journey. Instead, learn to enjoy the journey. Make it a journey of Happiness, of constant learning, of continual improvement, of love.

Don't worry about having a nicer car or house or anything material, or even a better-paying job. None of that matters a whit, and none of it will make you happier. You'll acquire these things and then only want more. Instead, learn to be satisfied with having enough ― and then use the time you would have wasted trying to earn money to buy those things … use that time doing things you love.

Find your passion, and pursue it doggedly. Don't settle for a job that pays the bills. Life is too short to waste on a job you hate.

Love Should Be Your Rule

If there's a single word you should live your life by, it should be this: Love. It might sound corny, I know … but trust me, there's no better rule in life.

Some would live by the rule of success. Their lives will be stressful, unhappy and shallow.

Others would live by the rule of selfishness ― putting their needs above those of others. They will live lonely lives, and will also be unhappy.

Still others will live by the rule of righteousness ― trying to show the right path, and admonishing anyone who doesn't live by that path. They are concerned with others, but in a negative way, and in the end will only have their own righteousness to live with, and that's a horrible companion.

Live your life by the rule of love. Love your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends, with all of your heart. Give to them what they need, and show them not cruelty nor disapproval nor coldness nor disappointment, but only love. Open your soul to them.

Love not only your loved ones, but your neighbors … your coworkers … strangers … your brothers and sisters in humanity. Offer anyone you meet a smile, a kind word, a kind gesture, a helping hand.

Love not only neighbors and strangers … but your enemy. The person who is cruelest to you, who has been unkind to you … love him. He is a tortured soul, and most in need of your love.

And most of all, love yourself. While others may criticize you, learn not to be so hard on yourself, to think that you're ugly or dumb or unworthy of love … but to think instead that you are a wonderful human being, worthy of Happiness and love … and learn to love yourself for who you are.

Finally, know that I love you and always will. You are starting out on a weird, scary, daunting, but ultimately incredibly wonderful journey, and I will be there for you when I can. Godspeed.

Love, Your Dad

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Enjoy Life Now, AND Save for Later

Often we're told that we have to suffer now ― give up what we want ― in order to succeed later, that in order to save we must sacrifice. Give up instant gratification to get delayed gratification.

But you can do both.

For years, I was confused about this, as I read books and websites that sent me two different messages:

Pleasure later. The first message was that in order to be successful, in order to build wealth, you have to delay gratification. You can't have instant gratification and be successful.

Pleasure now. The second message was usually from other sources on Happiness, but sometimes from the same source: enjoy life now, while you can, because it's short and you never know when your last day will come. Live every day like it's your last. Trouble is, I agree with both messages. And if you read this site often, you'll see that I send both messages: Live frugally and simply! But also enjoy life!

That's because I've reconciled the two philosophies into one: Live life now and enjoy it to the fullest ― without destroying your future. The key to doing that? Find ways to enjoy life completely, utterly, maximally … that don't cost your future very much.

Here are some tips for actually living that philosophy:

Find free or cheap pleasures. Frugality does not have to be boring or restrictive … if you use your imagination. Be creative and find ways to have fun ― loads of it ― without spending much money. Have a picnic at the park, go to the beach, do crafts, board games, fly a kite, make art, bake cookies … I could list a hundred things, and you could come up with a few hundred more. Make a list of simple pleasures, and enjoy them to the maximum. This is the key to the whole idea of enjoying life now without spending tomorrow's dollar. See Savor the Little Things .

Make simplifying fun. I'm a big fan of simplifying my life, from decluttering to creating a simple lifestyle in every way. And to me, this is great fun. I get rid of stuff (and possibly make money selling it) and have a blast doing it. That's good math.

Rediscover what's important. Oftentimes we spend tons of money, shopping, going out, watching movies, eating out … without really enjoying life. And when we stop to think about it, we never have time for the things we really want to do. Well, that's probably because your life is filled with things that aren't very important to you. Instead, step back and really think about what's important to you. Then get rid of the other (expensive) stuff, and focus on what's important. Listen to some stuff on my list: my wife and kids, other friends and family, reading, writing, exercising, volunteering, spending quiet time in contemplation. Guess how many of those things cost a lot of money? Read more here .

Make people a priority. This is related to the above point, but I thought I'd give it a little more emphasis. If you give "stuff" a priority ― stuff like gadgets, nice furnishings, nice clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc. ― then you will spend a lot of money. But if you make people a priority ― the people you love most, you close friends and family ― you don't need to spend a dime to enjoy life. Make some time to visit with friends, or your parents … and have a conversation with them that doesn't involve eating out or going to the movies. Just sit, have some iced tea or hot cocoa (depending on the weather), and talk. Tell jokes and laugh your heads off. Talk about books you've read, movies you've watched, new things going on in your life, your hopes and dreams. And make time for your kids or your significant other ― really spend time with them, doing things that don't cost money. (See Spend Time with Family and Loved Ones , 100 Ways to Have Fun With Your Kids and 50 Ways to Be Romantic on the Cheap .)

Find time for yourself. Make time every day, and every week, to spend time alone. It really gives more meaning and enjoyment to your life, rather than rushing through life with no time to think, to breathe. For ideas on how to make this time, see these ways to create time for solitude .

Sometimes, splurge. You shouldn't restrict yourself from expensive pleasures all the time ― it's not good to develop the feeling of deprivation. To prevent that, once in awhile, buy yourself something … or better yet, give yourself a decadent treat. I love things with dark chocolate or berries. Crepes with ice cream and berries are one of my favorites. Just don't go overboard … and learn to enjoy the splurge to the fullest. If you truly take the time to enjoy a treat, you don't need a lot of it.

Track your successes. It doesn't really matter how you track your success … you can use gold stars for creating a new simplifying or frugalfying habit, or a spreadsheet chart to track your decreasing debt and increasing savings or investments. Tracking is a great way to not only provide motivation, but make the process of changing fun.

Reward yourself. And in order to make it more fun, celebrate every little success! Set rewards for yourself (hopefully not too expensive!) along your path to success ― celebrate one day, two days, three days, a week, two weeks, three, a month … you get the idea.

Volunteer. One of the most rewarding things for my family has been when we have managed to volunteer. It's actually something we only started doing last year, but since then, we've done it a bunch of times in a number of different ways. And while it doesn't cost a dime, it is tremendously satisfying in ways that money could never buy. Read more .

Live in the moment. Learn to think not so much about the past or future, but about what you are going through right now. Be present. It may seem trite, but it's the key to enjoying life to the fullest ― without having to spend money. Think about it ― you can spend money on eating out, but if you are not really thinking about what you're eating, you may not enjoy it much at all. But if you cook a simple but delicious meal, and really taste every bite, it can be tremendously enjoyable without costing a lot. Read more .

Slow down. In the same way, you can't really enjoy life to the fullest if it's rushing past you like it's on fast forward. Ever think about how quickly a week, a month, or a year goes by? Perhaps you're in the fast lane too much. Try slowing down, and things will be less stressful and more enjoyable. Drive slower , eat slower , live slower .

Learn to find cheap, cool stuff. Call me crazy, but I love shopping at thrift stores. You can find so many cool things there, and it costs so little. Garage sales are the same way. Or check out Freecycle , or read 20 Ways to Find Free or Cheap Books .

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When suffering from earthquake, tips for preparing children

Children need to be prepared for an earthquake as much as adults, if not more.

 

Infants and Toddlers

For infants and toddlers, special emphasis should be placed on making their environment as safe as possible.

Cribs should be placed away from windows and tall, unsecured bookcases and shelves that could slide or topple.

A minimum of a 72-hour supply of extra water, formula, bottles, food, juices, clothing, disposable diapers, baby wipes and prescribed medications should be stored where it is most likely to be accessible after an earthquake. Also keep an extra diaper bag with these items in your car.

Store strollers, wagons, blankets and cribs with appropriate wheels to evacuate infants, if necessary.

Install bumper pads in cribs or bassinettes to protect babies during the shaking.

Install latches on all cupboards (not just those young children can reach) so that nothing can fall on your baby during a quake.

Preschool and School-age Children

By age three or so, children can understand what an earthquake is and how to get ready for one. Take the time to explain what causes earthquakes in terms they'll understand. Include your children in family discussions and planning for earthquake safety. Conduct drills and review safety procedures every six months.

Show children the safest places to be in each room when an earthquake hits. Also show them all possible exits from each room.

Use sturdy tables to teach children to Duck, Cover & Hold.

Teach children what to do wherever they are during an earthquake (at school, in a tall building, outdoors). Make sure children's emergency cards at school are up-to-date.

Although children should not turn off any utility valves, it's important that they know what gas smells like. Advise children to tell an adult if they smell gas after an earthquake.

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How to Find Time for Yourself

Do you ever find yourself longing for some time for yourself? Many of us are so busy with work, school, and Home life that often there is no time left over to do something that you enjoy. What follows are some ways to carve out that essential time you need to slow down, enjoy life, and rejuvenate yourself.

Scheduling Time with Yourself

1. Evenings with Yourself. Try to save certain weeknights just for you. If others ask you to do things those nights, just tell them you have plans. Use the time for gardening, reading, exercise, thinking, or the ultimate luxury of doing nothing!

2. Monthly Treat. Schedule a treat for yourself once a month. It could be on your lunch break, a weekend, or it could be leaving work early. Maybe you get a spa treatment, go see a movie, a haircut, play golf, or whatever treat you're always thinking about but rarely get to. Schedule it in and it will happen!

3. Buy Tickets in Advance. sports, theater, concerts, or any other event you would enjoy. Schedule the plans with a friend later. Having the tickets already in hand will force you to make it happen!

4. Leave Work on Time. Huh? Yes, many of us stay at work late on a regular basis. If this is you, make it a point to leave work exactly on time at least once a week, if not more. And then enjoy that time! Leave work at work.

5. Join a Group. Here are some ideas of groups that can allow you some time away from work and Home: singing group, gardening group, astronomy society, book club, quilting (or any other craft) circle, biking/walking/running/etc clubs, ski club, etc. What are you interested in? Strike while the iron is hot. Look up a club in your area today and join! If you can't find a club, consider starting one yourself!

6. Take an Adult Education Class. Take a fun class. If accounting is fun for you, then go ahead. If not, then think about some of these ideas: foreign language, photography, art, creative writing, or sports (kayaking, archery, golf, yoga). Belly-dancing anyone?

7. Exercise. For busy people it can be difficult to make time for this. But, you know what? You can do it!! All you have to do is decide today and then make it a reality tomorrow. A new habit is started with just one step. Take that first step tomorrow. Walk for 20 minutes in the morning. And then build on that success daily. Vary how you spend that time. On some days use the time for thinking and daydreaming. Other days listen to motivational audio and on days you want a real boost, listen to your favorite music! Here are a couple travel audio books you could borrow from your local library that will take you on a journey to a foreign land while you are walking or jogging: "Holy Cow:An Indian Adventure" by Sarah MacDonald or "The Places in Between" by Rory Stewart. If you've been exercising for a while and you usually listen to music, try go without any input for a change. Instead, let your mind wander and expand.

On the Go

1. Commute Via Public Transportation. If you can, ditch your car, and let someone else do the driving. Use that time to plan your day, do some reading, writing, creative thinking, or even meditation.

2. Driving in Your Car. Make the most of this time. Vary how you spend that time. If you always listen to music, perhaps also try: educational radio (NPR), positive audio tapes (suggestion: "Follow Your Heart" by Andrew Matthews) or even totally quiet time. Use that quiet time for brain storming. Either think in your head or even talk your ideas out loud. Bring a voice recorder. You could write a book via voice recorder over time.

3. Waiting in the Car. If you find that you have a certain amount of "waiting time" in your life, change how you perceive it. Instead of "waiting time" you can instantly change it into "me time" by bringing along reading, writing, or entertainment items. Or if you find yourself waiting and you don't have any of these things use the time for creative thinking about your life or try some meditation.

Synergy

1. 2 Birds, One Stone. Look for ideas where you can fit in time for you within things you need to do already or that will have multiple benefits. See the ideas below to give you an idea.

2. Walk to Work. This is a a great one because you're accomplishing many things at once. You're getting exercise, you have time to think or enjoy music/audio, and you're helping to save the environment.

3. Arrive Early. Any appointment that you have, plan to arrive 15-30 minutes early. Then use this time for you: reading, writing, meditation, relaxation, thinking, whatever.

4. Volunteering. There are so many benefits with this. You make a difference for others, you escape work and personal worries, and you grow as a person. If you could help one organization or group, which would it be? OK, now go ahead and Google them and find out how you can help - even if it's just once a year.

5. Side Job. Find a side job at which you can make money, but that will also allow you to do something you love. Some ideas: coaching, teaching a class (art, writing, sport, hobby, anything else you know well), or training others (what special skills do you have that you could share with others? singing, windsurfing, math?)

6. Lunch Alone. Try sneaking away for a quiet lunch alone on a park bench or even in your car. Enjoy some quiet time with no one to talk to and no audio inputs.

Time Away from Kids

1. Organize "Mom's Morning Out" Circle. If you have a friend or group of friends, you could arrange to share babysitting services a few times a month so that others in the group get some time alone.

2. Babysitters. Make a plan to have a babysitter that you trust watch your children once a month or once a week so that you can get some time for yourself. The key here is to take action and make it happen. If you want more time for yourself, you can get it. Just don't be afraid to ask.

3. Gym with Babysitting Service. Find a gym that offers childcare so that you can take a yoga class, do some strength training, or even work with a personal trainer. Make sure you fully research the safety of their childcare program first though. Get some references.

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10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships

It's not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But it's not impossible, either ― it takes some work, of course, but it's work, work that's a joy when everything comes together.

A lot of times, though, the work isn't enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.

I've watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). I've seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and I've tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. Here are a few of the things I've seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.

1. You're playing to win

One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I don't mean competition in the sense that you can't stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you're tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner's head. If you feel that there are things you can't tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, you're in a competitive relationship ― but not for long.

2. You don't trust

There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won't cheat on you or otherwise hurt you ― and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won't leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over ― even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up.

3. You don't talk

Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don't want to hurt their partner, or because they're trying to win. (See #1 above; example: "If you don't know why I'm mad, I'm certainly not going to tell you!") While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems ― problems that don't get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they don't really bother you. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust ― and, as I said that's the death of a relationship.

4. You don't listen

Listening ― really listening ― is hard. It's normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesn't even know exactly what they are. If you can't listen that way, at least to the person you love, there's a problem.

5. You spend like a single person

This was a hard lesson for me to learn ― until it broke up a 7-year relationship. When you're single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It's not necessarily wise, but you're the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. Your partner ― and your children, if there are or will be any ― will have to bear the brunt of your spending, so you'd better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if there's anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it.

This is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep their finances separate, even when they're married. There's nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. If you're spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed.

6. You're afraid of breaking up

Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that's a big warning sign that something's wrong. But often, what's wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem ― you're afraid that there's no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will "wise up" and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Quite frankly, this isn't going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn't going to be very satisfying for your partner.

7. You're dependent

There's a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner ― that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him ― you've crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever's missing in you ― a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship ― and I'm talking finances as well as emotional support, here ― you're in trouble. (Note: I'm not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances ― what I'm saying is that if you're not contributing to the household budget, and you're not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that's never good.)

8. You expect Happiness

A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them ― nobody can "make" you happy, except you ― but it's an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren't only about being happy, and there's lots of times when you won't and even shouldn't be. Being able to rely on someone even when you're upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy ― or worse, you're frustrated because you aren't able to make your partner happy ― your relationship isn't going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.

9. You never fight

A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human's emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff.

One reason couples don't fight is that they fear conflict ― which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. That's bad. Another reason couples avoid arguments is that they've learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. They've learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationship's development. While an argument isn't pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even known they had ― and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you can't come back from.

10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard

There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships I hear often. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard ― and that therefore if it's hard, it must be worth having.

The outcome of both views is that you don't work at your relationship. You don't work because it's supposed to be easy and therefore not need any work, or you don't work because it's supposed to be hard and it wouldn't be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out ― either because the problems you're ignoring really don't go away just because you think they should. or because the problems you're cultivating are a constant drag on your energy. A relationship that's too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesn't seem to need any work isn't any better.

Your choices

There isn't any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either seek out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship (and maybe the next one, and the next one, and…). Failure doesn't always mean you break up ― many people aren't that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily in failed relationships for years and even decades because they're afraid they won't find anything better, or worse, they're afraid they deserve it. Don't you be one of them ― if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change.

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